


The Best of Fools

by fanforfanatic



Series: Destiel Drabbles [16]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Uses Actual Words, Dean's Top 13 Zepp Traxx Mixtape, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 03:55:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11267433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanforfanatic/pseuds/fanforfanatic
Summary: ‘The label is misleading’ is Cas’ initial reaction. There is no music onDean’s top 13 Zepp Traxx,at least not until the very end.





	The Best of Fools

**Author's Note:**

> [Destimushi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/destimushi/pseuds/destimushi/) is the insanely talented and incredibly kind writer who did super thorough line edits on this, and I am sososo grateful <3

‘The label is misleading’ is Cas’ initial reaction. There is no music on _Dean’s top 13 Zepp traxx_ , at least not until the very end.

Cas gets in his truck to play it. It may be old, but there’s no cassette player in the bunker, and even if there was... Dean _gave_ him this so he wants to be alone to properly receive it. The only other thing Dean has ever given him—the only thing Cas has ever been given before, other than heartache—is the trenchcoat Dean kept after the water swallowed him whole. He hadn’t deserved that gift. Cas doesn’t think he deserves this one, either, but Dean obviously does.

There’s a _crackle pop_ at first, the telltale sign of old technology reading older technology, but the clearing of a throat chases it away.

 _Hey, Cas_ , Dean says, voice so hesitant Cas might have thought it was someone else if he didn’t know Dean through and through. Frail and small as the sound is, it is a proxy for Dean’s presence and commands Cas’ attention just like Dean would. It fills the car in its entirety.

It seeps into the leather, weaves itself between threads of the worn, reliable, stitching. It fogs up the glass in every way that matters, insulating this small space that is usually just Cas’, but is now shared between the two of them. It suddenly smells like Dean, too. The distinguishable scent of clean sweat, brisk air and fresh pie replaces the artificial fragrance of Caribbean Colada Cas purchased after the air freshener he’d found with the car stopped smelling like anything at all.

 _I told Sam you didn’t make it,_ Dean chokes out. Cas hears the words catch in the man’s throat and clog the airway for a moment. _I hope it’s true, Cas. I couldn’t get you out of purgatory, I know, but I hope you died._ A shaky breath. _Those things… The leviathans, there were so many, I don’t see you survivin’ that unless they plan on-_ It’s briefly quiet and Cas imagines Dean shaking his head, sharking the thought loose. _Even if you did a-and they didn’t. That’s forever alone, man. Forever of… nothing but trying to not die and-_ Dean cuts himself off and this time it’s a sob he chokes on. _I did what I could, Cas._

Static usurps the recording away from Dean and for a terrifying moment Cas thinks he’s broken it, that whatever was coming next is lost to him, but Dean’s voice filters back. It’s different this time, resigned, tired, older.

 _I’m sorry. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to tell you. If this thing with Ezekiel—hell, even if I do see you again, Cas, it’s not like I can look you in the eye and fess up._ Dean laughs, a twisted sound that Cas doesn’t appreciate at all. _I’m some kind of a special coward._

“You’re not, De—” Cas forgets himself.

 _Must be. I really fucking must be. You’re_ human, _Cas. You said me and Sam are the best people to teach you how to be that, you came to us for guidance,  and I kicked you out. You gotta understand, man. I care, I do, fuck, Cas, I do. But it’s Sam’s_ life _._ There’s a long pause.

Long enough that Cas wonders if it’s the end, if Dean has run out of things to say. Long enough that Cas has time to relive that moment half a dozen times. It was years ago. Cas had all but forgotten, but memories are funny like that. They are dormant until they are alive, and alive they are consuming. He can see Dean, or some phantom of him, in the passenger seat of this once safe space, looking like he had, leaning against the library table.

Cas feels something sink inside him, just like he felt then when Dean’s words finally made sense, when he understood what Dean was asking him—telling him. The realisation that the something was his human heart, feeling human things like he hadn’t before, dawns on him again like a novel thought. The ghost of those green eyes are just as unbearable as the real ones had been.

_You looked like you belonged, you know. I think this place could have been your home, too._

There’s static again, but Cas knows there’s more to come this time.

Dean’s voice is rough, just shy of angry, and so unlike him. Cas can hear the Mark of Cain reverberate off of it.

 _I told you to leave again, but this time you said no. You said no and you said it’s because you’re my friend. You’re not that, Cas. We were never just that and I can’t–I’d have done it, you know. I’d have killed you and with your own blade too. I still might. I can feel it, this_ thing _inside me, it’s so thirsty and I–Maybe it’s better if I do. I don’t want to wake up someday and the only thing I can recognise is you and have you not recognise me at all. Everyone will die and it’ll just be you and me and I don’t want you to see what I’ll have become by then._

Dean swallows audibly, grinds his teeth, and Cas hears it like Dean is in the car with him. And Dean sort of is.

_You said the mark is changing me. You’re right. You said you’ll be the one to watch me murder the world. You might be right about that too. And then… Then you’d be next. ‘Cause I’d do it, Cas. I swear to God I would. I almost did._

Cas barely notices the static, too preoccupied with the echoes of old wounds along the surface of his skin and deeper still.

 _We saved the sun!_ The words startle Cas, or maybe it’s the jovial tone that does it. _Well, to be fair that was mostly me. I doctor Phil-ed that shit, Cas, you should have seen me. You almost did. You offered to come with._ A laugh, riotous and vital and happy. It’s so rare that Cas gets to hear one of those from Dean; he already know he’ll be listening to this part of the tape on a loop. _Maybe I should have let you. Front row seat to me being awesome._ Another laugh and a ‘whoo!’. _I got you back, I got Sam back, I got_ Mom _back. I got it made, man!_ The laughing tapers off. _You offered to come, Cas. You offered to come. Why would you do that? We’d just have died together. I didn’t mind dying alone, but you offered to come._

Cas minded living alone. Without Dean.

Static.

 _You said I love you._ Dean bounces off the metal walls and into Cas, ricochets off bones, a pinball game where Cas’ ribs are. The words themselves coil around Cas’ neck. They hadn’t spoken of it since. Cas didn’t think he’d ever speak again when he said them. _I love you. You said—_

There’s a chuckle, deep, rooted, Dean.

 _You know I sacrificed one of my favourite tapes to record this. Christ, I don’t even remember what I first said on here._ Dean laughs nervously, and Cas hears the lie. Dean knows exactly what he is sharing. Knows which parts of himself he is exposing. _I guess I owe you a song._ Dean hums something Cas recognises as a tune he’s heard play in the Impala, though he wouldn’t be able to name it. Then Dean sings, scratchy, off-key and perfect, _I’ve really, really been the best of fools, I did what I could. Cause I love you, baby. How I love you, darling, How I love you, baby._

-

Dean is furious with Cas when he returns from Heaven, and not for the first time, Cas feels adrift, unanchored. Unworthy. Returning the tape feels like the right thing to do. He keeps it tucked in his breast pocket, usually for comfort, but right now it reminds him of how he is undeserving. Of Dean. Of lov—

Dean obviously doesn’t agree. Teaches him gifts are things you keep. Reminds him this love is here to stay.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on [tumblr](https://fanforfanatic.tumblr.com/).


End file.
